want or can't

I Don’t Want to vs. I Can’t.
Shaun’s kitchen had more counter space and a gas stove which made it easier to cook dinner at his place. We were celebrating that time when you’ve been dating long enough to know the others favorite movie or top five bands. We were young enough to know every freckle and curve of the others body rather than knowing the others point of view about anything remotely important.
“What are we making?”
“Maklooba. It’s a Jordanian dish.”
“What is that?” He pointed to flowers I was pulling apart.
“Saffron threads. Don’t worry, they taste good.”
Shaun looked at me with both disgust and apprehension.
“Just wash the chicken and cut it up.”
I knew we were to the point of asking real questions. I wanted to avoid this part at all costs. In the past, when I had answered these questions, the answers always ended up being the reason for my relationships to end. I figured if I just made a delicious, authentic dish any conversation would be forgotten.
“So… do you believe in God?”
I should have made a plan B.
“That’s kind of a hard question to answer.” My eyes remained on peeling the eggplant.
“No it’s not. You either believe in God or you don’t.”
“Do you believe in God?”
Shaun pointed to the Buddha tattoo on his arm insinuating where his beliefs lay.
“Having a belief in something is not that black and white. I mean what are you even asking me? Do I believe in an omni, omni, omni god? Do I believe in divinity? DO I believe that there’s a supreme being that undoubtedly exists and I am well aware of the nature of that being?”
Shaun turned from the sink. “What the fuck are you talking about; I’m just asking if you believe in God.”
“Well with what I study it’s really hard to answer that. Every single day I examine arguments for and against the existence of God. To tell you the truth, whether pro or con, all the arguments are sound and valid.”
“Jesus. If you had to answer, in the simplest way possible, what would you say?”
As if speaking to the eggplant I replied, “I’d say I’m a philosopher and that I don’t know.”
“So you’re an atheist.”
“No. I mean that I don’t know. I don’t know if there is a God and because of that I don’t think I should claim myself as something either way. Beliefs are too personally important and when it comes to God I have no clue.”
Shaun moved me away from the drawer to pull out the cutting board. I gave him a quick smirk, looking behind him to make it seem as though I was looking at him.
“So, with what you study…does that mean you don’t have an opinion about anything?”
“No. There’s tons of crap I have an opinion about. I suppose the God topic is just too far removed for me.”
Shaun points to the cut up chicken. “What do I do with this?”
“Put it in the sauce pan.”
“So give me an example of something you do have an opinion on.”
“I can’t.”
“No opinions?”
“No, I mean if I tell you an example, you’re not going to like it. This is boring for most people.”
Shaun sits on the counter next to me, while I finished mixing the rest of the eggplant and saffron.
“Come on. It’s not like whatever you say is going to make us or break us. Queue sera sera.”
I throw the eggplant into the pot. “Don’t be so sure.”
“Shut up. Tell me.”
For the first time I looked at him.
“I don’t believe in free will.”
“What? How can you, of all people, say that?”
“Because there is more evidence on the side that we don’t.”
“You used to be homeless and now you’re in college. You didn’t choose that? No credit for your hard work?”
“I’m not going to believe in something just because it benefits my ego.” I returned to the sauce pan.
“So you don’t know if you believe in God but you do believe in fate?”
“I don’t believe in fate either. I believe in determinism. That’s totally different.”
“The Fucks that?”
“Okay, so look. When we push a ball the reaction happens because of certain physical laws. We don’t float into outer space because of certain physical laws. Shit physical laws, especially cause and effect, govern everything down to the neurons in our brain. So tell me why is there this thing called the will, that no one can say what it is or where its located, but it is the only exception to physical law.”
I exhausted my breath, took a sip of wine and kept stirring the saucepan.
“So you and me. We’re not together because of fate. I totally agree. But we’re not together by choice either?”
The sauce pan was about to boil over.
“Help me flip this onto the other dish.”
Shaun grabbed his lobster oven mitts making them walk across the counter to the sauce pan. He helped me flip the pan on the glass dish and together we put the dish in the oven. Shaun took the oven mitts off and looked to his feet. Suddenly but very gently, he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me close to him. He bent his neck down and pressed his lips firmly against mine. The kiss was not vulgar but lasting.
“I didn’t just choose to kiss you?”
“Would you have kissed me just then if we weren’t talking about free will?”