Blog 7
I’m skinny. I get it. I have no fat on my body and that makes other girls not like me. My current girlfriends yell at me often. “Eat a cheeseburger!” My mom always says if there is ever a stomach transplant she has dibbs on mine. No I don’t work out. I eat whatever I want. I don’t gain weight. Must be great, I assume is what you’re thinking. What it must be like to never have to worry about becoming fat. But would that be so bad?
When I go shopping clothes never fit. I have that 5’7’’ height that models have but I have the waist the size of a 12 year old. Isn’t that what runway models have. Couldn’t I just take this body and sache it down the catwalk? I could make the millions that buy those special clothes that fit people of my size.
“She must be anorexic.” I must be starving myself in order to stay so thin. But I love food so that accusation is incorrect. “Bulimic.” I hate throwing up. I have projectile vomiting so when I throw up it shoots everywhere with no salty taste warning. It feels like I’m being stabbed in the stomach. I don’t have an eating disorder.
“Must be nice to have a body like Kate Moss.” I hate that. I get it I’m skinny. I hate it when people talk like I don’t realize I’m small. I hate it when people want to switch places with me. I hate it when people give me recipes high in all those fatty ways. I hate when people comment on the fact that I like to eat salads. I get I’m skinny!
Why would you want to switch with me. Curves are in. it’s all about the ass these days. Mines rather small, you don’t want it. What’s that? You want to know my trick? Fine. Here it is. The trick to being skinny…
First you have to be born a month premature so that you have what is called calisaya. Then, you have to wait three months in the hospital for your stomach to actually form. Next you have to get the stomach to not absorbed nutrients properly. That means you can’t breast feed as a baby and when you’re on to solid foods after six more months of throwing up and being fed by a tube, then you have to shove a bunch of protein vitamins down your throat. After that you will see a nutritionist and she will tell you to try and eat a little more each day. But whoops! Your stomach doesn’t agree and again you throw up. So you will grow up on whatever your small, barely developed, barely functioning stomach will allow. You’ll eat things like salads, soups, anything easily digested. I promise then, after puberty you’ll be skinny.
I better give you the warnings. Every diet has warnings right?! Your entire life will be spent with many doctors’ visits taking blood and trying to figure out how to get all your nutrients. Your stomach will next trick your pancreases into thinking you have too much sugar in your body and it will stop producing insulin. Then your brain will produce less serotonin and bam! You’re skinny but you will have seizures. No biggy for the price of being skinny. Oh I almost forgot, you will also always be tired. You can sleep 9 hours a night and by noon you will need a nap because you can barely move your body. But hey it works. If you want to be skinny this is my trick. Get a disease before you were born that affects the way you eat. It’s great, really. I love being able to have my niece call me Jack from the “Nightmare before Christmas. Well, I’ve got to go. Time to take the celexa, sugar pills, protein vitamins, check my blood sugar, and not forget the diazapane. All in a day’s work to be skinny.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
On death
The week before my twenty-first birthday I found myself face down in the parking lot of my apartment. I remember only the way the pavement sparkled in the light of the street lamp and thinking “is this going to hurt.” The man holding a sod-off shot gun to my head was patting down my pockets to make sure he didn’t miss any of my goods. He had my purse in his hands already but he figured I must have had something hidden in my jacket pockets and even my shoes. There was no cliché of my life passing in front of my eyes. There wasn’t time for that. The only thought was of death. What is death like? What if no one is watching and in these next few moments what if I become nothing?
Martin Heidegger said death is not inevitability but a probability. He thought it was redundant to describe death as a termination that will happen because of course death will happen. It is not a question if it will happen it is a question of when. “Death is an activity that can happen at any moment.” Death is not something that happens at the end of a life when all is said and done, it can happen in the middle of life when accomplishments are only in the works. Perhaps this is why we have Diem to carpe.
The cold steal of a gun never goes away. Eight years later I can still feel it both above my right eyebrow and at the crown of my head. It feels like doom. Without even being fired you can feel the bullet piercing the skull. You can imagine it traveling through the hemispheres of your brain. And when confronted by that gun whether fired or not the bullet becomes lodged inside of you. Counseling does not carve it out. Stepping out into the world again does not stitch it up without scars.
Everything in the world exists by following certain laws. Is not that our lives are planned out for us as in predetermination but that there is causation. When a ball is thrown it will descend at certain intervals because of velocity and gravitational pull. Every plant life goes through a process of growth and decay. These are physical laws and why should our time spent here be exempt from them? Are we not to decay? Should decay come only once we have bloomed are is it possible that we will never sprout?
The robber hid behind the cars. He had followed me for months mapping out when I went to and returned from work. Every Tuesday evening I worked at Pier 1 Imports for extra cash. He knew I’d be home late tonight. When he approached I said “Hi” assuming he was one of my neighbors. He gave no care if I was a good person. His only concern was that I seemed weak. Too weak to fight back at least.
B.F Skinner developed the notion of behavioral momentum. It is the notion that given certain genetic material and certain environmental conditions that the path of a person’s life could be mapped out under the laws of causation. So, if someone had an aggressive gene and was raised in a violent neighborhood then he would have no choice but to become violent himself. If I grew up in the same neighborhood but I had a genetic marker of kindness then it is possible that I would not be violent and try to change my environment to suite my genetic makeup.
Once he had finished patting me down I waited for the shot. I prepared for the pain, the nothingness. “Step, step step….” He ran away. I was alive.
Socrates believed that death was the separation of the soul from the body. The body is concerned with that of materiality and desire while the soul was concerned with thoughtfulness and reasoning. “The soul reasons most beautifully when she is all by herself separate from the body.” In death the soul can find the truth.
It took me 6 months to be able to be alone during the day. It took me 3 years to be able to be alone at night. I did not die. But I have found myself questioning my life and death ever since. I find myself admiring one quote of Socrates but am plagued by it….”others are apt to be unaware that those who study philosophy rightly are in preparation for death and dying.”… Did I miss my chance for truth?
Martin Heidegger said death is not inevitability but a probability. He thought it was redundant to describe death as a termination that will happen because of course death will happen. It is not a question if it will happen it is a question of when. “Death is an activity that can happen at any moment.” Death is not something that happens at the end of a life when all is said and done, it can happen in the middle of life when accomplishments are only in the works. Perhaps this is why we have Diem to carpe.
The cold steal of a gun never goes away. Eight years later I can still feel it both above my right eyebrow and at the crown of my head. It feels like doom. Without even being fired you can feel the bullet piercing the skull. You can imagine it traveling through the hemispheres of your brain. And when confronted by that gun whether fired or not the bullet becomes lodged inside of you. Counseling does not carve it out. Stepping out into the world again does not stitch it up without scars.
Everything in the world exists by following certain laws. Is not that our lives are planned out for us as in predetermination but that there is causation. When a ball is thrown it will descend at certain intervals because of velocity and gravitational pull. Every plant life goes through a process of growth and decay. These are physical laws and why should our time spent here be exempt from them? Are we not to decay? Should decay come only once we have bloomed are is it possible that we will never sprout?
The robber hid behind the cars. He had followed me for months mapping out when I went to and returned from work. Every Tuesday evening I worked at Pier 1 Imports for extra cash. He knew I’d be home late tonight. When he approached I said “Hi” assuming he was one of my neighbors. He gave no care if I was a good person. His only concern was that I seemed weak. Too weak to fight back at least.
B.F Skinner developed the notion of behavioral momentum. It is the notion that given certain genetic material and certain environmental conditions that the path of a person’s life could be mapped out under the laws of causation. So, if someone had an aggressive gene and was raised in a violent neighborhood then he would have no choice but to become violent himself. If I grew up in the same neighborhood but I had a genetic marker of kindness then it is possible that I would not be violent and try to change my environment to suite my genetic makeup.
Once he had finished patting me down I waited for the shot. I prepared for the pain, the nothingness. “Step, step step….” He ran away. I was alive.
Socrates believed that death was the separation of the soul from the body. The body is concerned with that of materiality and desire while the soul was concerned with thoughtfulness and reasoning. “The soul reasons most beautifully when she is all by herself separate from the body.” In death the soul can find the truth.
It took me 6 months to be able to be alone during the day. It took me 3 years to be able to be alone at night. I did not die. But I have found myself questioning my life and death ever since. I find myself admiring one quote of Socrates but am plagued by it….”others are apt to be unaware that those who study philosophy rightly are in preparation for death and dying.”… Did I miss my chance for truth?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Native or American
There are secrets kept within the lodge of the Cheyenne reservation in La Junta, Colorado. Our folklore is hidden in oratory only spoken to those with the proper blood. The faith of the Medicine is flawed, beautiful and before its time. It haunts its followers as they come to know it more and more. It is only in the vision quest that the truth is revealed; there are two paths.
The men of animals receive their name by triumph. My brother, Biuantan, received his in the plateaus. A bald eagle soared above him and he put his arm out and the eagle landed it on it. It is said that my brother became the eagle as they gracefully stared at one another. At the end of his quest, Biuantan received a feather to represent his spirit; the sight of an eagle.
The second path is that of prophecy ordained by Medicine. It is given at birth but realized during the quest. Only the Medicine Man is aware of the prophecies. He gives a special ceremony in the prophecy’s honor. But this ceremony is tragic as the history of the tribe is displayed on the walls of the lodge. The people of prophecy are given hand-made trinkets that display their path as well as their duty. I was given a dream catcher.
It is three circles woven together with twine, leather, brown beads and buffalo tusks. And molded tin and feathers hang from it. The outer ring represents what is beyond; that which cannot be told. The inner ring is the earth, the beads are the people. And the ring suspended in the center is the secret. The secret the Medicine Man and I only know. I do not share the secret but not because I am bound by duty. I do not share it because I am embarrassed and ashamed. I am not full-blooded. I left the reservation and entered into the American World. I am not a prophecy. I am just a girl born in March.
This dream catcher does not capture bad dreams but is said to amplify them. But I don’t believe it. It is normal to have dreams of bloodshed and of war. These are just nightmares. It would be unnatural to dream of utopia or a world full of unconditional love. I hang it only out of tradition. Just as an atheist would hang his dead grandmothers cross out of respect.
***
I was in the lodge when my grandfather, the Medicine Man, showed me how to inhale from the peace pipe. The hallucinogen filled my lungs and the lodge began to change. The smoke curled and became the ancestors. As my grandfather spoke I watched the Massacre of Sandcreek. I could see the blood pouring from the men. The women were raped. And the children were scalped as if they were Apaches. It was as if no one ever knew that the word Cheyenne means “Peaceful People.” I ran out of the lodge screaming and crying. My grandfather followed but not to console. He handed me the old dream catcher. He told me it has been in the tribe for many years. And for the first time he called me “Malia Nahala Hateya.”
***
There is no magic in the dream catcher. I do not follow its meaning. I am not a prophecy. I am just a girl born in March.
The men of animals receive their name by triumph. My brother, Biuantan, received his in the plateaus. A bald eagle soared above him and he put his arm out and the eagle landed it on it. It is said that my brother became the eagle as they gracefully stared at one another. At the end of his quest, Biuantan received a feather to represent his spirit; the sight of an eagle.
The second path is that of prophecy ordained by Medicine. It is given at birth but realized during the quest. Only the Medicine Man is aware of the prophecies. He gives a special ceremony in the prophecy’s honor. But this ceremony is tragic as the history of the tribe is displayed on the walls of the lodge. The people of prophecy are given hand-made trinkets that display their path as well as their duty. I was given a dream catcher.
It is three circles woven together with twine, leather, brown beads and buffalo tusks. And molded tin and feathers hang from it. The outer ring represents what is beyond; that which cannot be told. The inner ring is the earth, the beads are the people. And the ring suspended in the center is the secret. The secret the Medicine Man and I only know. I do not share the secret but not because I am bound by duty. I do not share it because I am embarrassed and ashamed. I am not full-blooded. I left the reservation and entered into the American World. I am not a prophecy. I am just a girl born in March.
This dream catcher does not capture bad dreams but is said to amplify them. But I don’t believe it. It is normal to have dreams of bloodshed and of war. These are just nightmares. It would be unnatural to dream of utopia or a world full of unconditional love. I hang it only out of tradition. Just as an atheist would hang his dead grandmothers cross out of respect.
***
I was in the lodge when my grandfather, the Medicine Man, showed me how to inhale from the peace pipe. The hallucinogen filled my lungs and the lodge began to change. The smoke curled and became the ancestors. As my grandfather spoke I watched the Massacre of Sandcreek. I could see the blood pouring from the men. The women were raped. And the children were scalped as if they were Apaches. It was as if no one ever knew that the word Cheyenne means “Peaceful People.” I ran out of the lodge screaming and crying. My grandfather followed but not to console. He handed me the old dream catcher. He told me it has been in the tribe for many years. And for the first time he called me “Malia Nahala Hateya.”
***
There is no magic in the dream catcher. I do not follow its meaning. I am not a prophecy. I am just a girl born in March.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tools to make it
I’m sitting on the other side of the glass where I was four years ago. I use to burn my hands with that solder iron. My clothes reeked of oil, gasoline and brake cleaner. Mechanics use brake cleaner to clean off oil in the engine because of the way it interacts with the oil. It makes it easier to see where a leak is coming from. It’s highly flammable and should only be used when the engine is off. The first year I was a mechanic I didn’t know this. After I had finished a job I raised the lift with the car running and sprayed under the engine compartment to make sure the leak was fixed. The heat of the engine ignited the brake cleaner and fire quickly swirled around me. My arm hair got a little burnt but the mechanic next to me put the fire out before I could even move.
I’m watching them work on my car. It seems ridiculous. I know how to fix it. I can take the tires off, remove the calipers and brake springs and switch out the pads. I can resurface the rotors, assemble everything back together, and tighten the tires in a star pattern to torque them to the proper balance. But I am not. Jim is doing it for me. Ever since I stopped working for Japanese Auto Masters I rarely touch my own car. Once you get paid for something it takes all the fun out of it and really it was a means to an end. It got me off the streets.
As I watch Jim bleed the brake fluid on the right rear tire I remember what is like to be him. Jim works on flat rate which means he has an hourly rate but the hours he gets is by the job. An oil change is .5 of an hour, unless it is on an Audi. A timing belt job on a 97-00 Camry is 7.5 hours. And the brake job on my 2000 Honda Accord V6 with dual exhaust is 3.5 hours. At a base rate he will make $70. If he does two brake jobs today he’ll make $140. As long as cars are broken Jim will make good money. However, I can see that lifting his arms up over his head each day has cause the cartilage in his shoulders to wear. Every time he moves he can feel bone against bone. His boss will come up for braking that brake spring and secretly charge me for it even though Jim knows it’s his fault. That is why mechanics are shady; their bosses make them be that way.
I am an ASE certified L1 Master Tech. I took a bunch of multiple choice tests and gained patches to put on my coat. I worked with a pit crew for an NHRA drag racer. The money I made from being a tech paid for my first year here at Pacific. But I have no cartilage in my shoulders and was harassed daily for being a woman. I still work at a parts store doing diagnostic work and still I am given crap and co-workers inadvertently grabbing my ass.
Three more months and I’ll be out of here with a degree. I’m not really sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do before I’m ready for grad school. And I am terrified. What if what comes next is the same as before? What if I grow tired of philosophical study the way I grew tired of cars? What if the life that follows a single career is a life that fades with the time spent on it?
I’m watching them work on my car. It seems ridiculous. I know how to fix it. I can take the tires off, remove the calipers and brake springs and switch out the pads. I can resurface the rotors, assemble everything back together, and tighten the tires in a star pattern to torque them to the proper balance. But I am not. Jim is doing it for me. Ever since I stopped working for Japanese Auto Masters I rarely touch my own car. Once you get paid for something it takes all the fun out of it and really it was a means to an end. It got me off the streets.
As I watch Jim bleed the brake fluid on the right rear tire I remember what is like to be him. Jim works on flat rate which means he has an hourly rate but the hours he gets is by the job. An oil change is .5 of an hour, unless it is on an Audi. A timing belt job on a 97-00 Camry is 7.5 hours. And the brake job on my 2000 Honda Accord V6 with dual exhaust is 3.5 hours. At a base rate he will make $70. If he does two brake jobs today he’ll make $140. As long as cars are broken Jim will make good money. However, I can see that lifting his arms up over his head each day has cause the cartilage in his shoulders to wear. Every time he moves he can feel bone against bone. His boss will come up for braking that brake spring and secretly charge me for it even though Jim knows it’s his fault. That is why mechanics are shady; their bosses make them be that way.
I am an ASE certified L1 Master Tech. I took a bunch of multiple choice tests and gained patches to put on my coat. I worked with a pit crew for an NHRA drag racer. The money I made from being a tech paid for my first year here at Pacific. But I have no cartilage in my shoulders and was harassed daily for being a woman. I still work at a parts store doing diagnostic work and still I am given crap and co-workers inadvertently grabbing my ass.
Three more months and I’ll be out of here with a degree. I’m not really sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do before I’m ready for grad school. And I am terrified. What if what comes next is the same as before? What if I grow tired of philosophical study the way I grew tired of cars? What if the life that follows a single career is a life that fades with the time spent on it?
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